India

Wifi is in and out at my hotel. It's lightly raining today but it's still warm enough to walk up and down the path to the north cliff. Ascending the stairs I come across a few than more and more little shops run by young I Dian women. They are quite pushy saying "come back later, do you promise?" then when I walk by their shop again they say "come inside now... You promised". I bought an ankle bracelet my first day here from a young girl only because she put it on me. I'll probably never wear it again. The beach and the cliffs are beautiful. The people very nice, saying hello and good morning. The food is amazing! I've never been fond of Indian food until I arrived in Mumbai and was served an Indian breakfast on the plane. I crave it now more than Thai food. There are street dogs roaming the beaches and the cliff. Some are wearing collars some not being claimed by anyone. The best Indian food I had was today for lunch. Overlooking the sea, I had the best vegetable curry while a cat curled up in my lap and fell asleep.
As I enjoy every minute of this trip, relishing in my freedom, breathing in culture and different smells, meeting people I normally wouldn't, waking up to the wonderful dull sounds of an elephant rumble in the distance and the ocean weaves breaking on the beach, my thoughts are still trying to make sense of the dull heartache I still have. I feel sometimes like I think constantly about it and the lies and promises. I don't even put his face to my feelings anymore because he is not real. The person he wants to be and pretends to be is a lie. I can't make sense of anything and my head keeps trying, like I'm walking through a maze trying to find my way out, every turn an unanswered question.it's a process of letting something, someone, go especially when you've already planned your future and then to have every word, every promise, be a lie. Something only to fill someones immediate emotional need, not thinking about the devastation by taking it all away again. It's confusing and unfair, when you trust someones words because they've convinced you of them. They would accept nothing less. "why don't you trust me?" "I need more from you". "it's different this time, I promise. I love you and life is never better without you". What kind of person can turn away from such emotion? When someone seems so sure and confident what kind of person willingly turns away with disbelief and doubt?
As I swim in the warm waters of the ocean and lay on the beach, not wondering about time or what day it is, remembering the mornings last week waking up to feed elephants, touching their rough skin and putting fruit in their trunks, I think about what could be better? What could replace this freedom, of me doing exactly what I want when I want? Nothing really. Why would I waste another moments thought on something that was not, is not real? Being present. It takes
practice. This is the time of my life.